Best & Worst Seinfeld Episodes

The Baby Shower
Kramer engineers an illegal cable hookup. George is mad because some chick humiliated him by spilling chocolate syrup all over him years ago. He shows up at the baby shower with the same shirt, complete with stain.

The Big Salad

George’s girlfriend takes credit for a salad he bought Elaine. That’s about it!

Chinese Restaurant
They’re sitting around waiting for a table. The Chinese guy keeps saying, “Five, 10 minute. Five, 10 minute.” They head out in disgust. The Chinese guy says, “Seinfeld party of three!” That’s it.

The Close Talker
Jerry’s parents are visiting and Elaine brings her new boyfriend, Aaron, over. He’s a “close talker” and invites Jerry’s parents out on the town. Kramer goes to get his clothes at this vintage clothing store. Morty suggests selling his old raincoats (the “executive”). Morty and Kramer think they can make a bundle selling these things. George gets the idea that his father has some clothing in the attic to sell. Meanwhile, Aaron keeps taking the Seinfelds everywhere and she gets pissed off. She’s wondering why this young guy wants to hang out with these old fossils. The clothes George brings have moths and the guy has to take the clothes out back to the alley and burn them. George wants the Seinfelds to take this kid to Paris to get out of a Big Brother situation. At the end, Aaron goes ape shit over the Seinfeld’s well-being. “This ring could buy one more dinner, this watch, one more outing!”

The Doll
Remember Susan’s friend Sally comes down? Jerry wanted this barbecue sauce from the South that had Charles Grodin’s face on it. And then Susan has a doll that looks like George’s mother. And then George’s father puts a pool table in the room and invites the maestro and Kramer over. And the maestro takes off his pants. And they’re playing pool. They all have their pants off and George’s mother walks in and says, “what’s going on here?” They end up using the conductor’s baton as a pool cue.

The Face Painter
Jerry gets tickets to a New York Rangers game. Elaine’s boyfriend, Puddy, has his face painted “to support the team!” Puddy scares the shit out of the priest, who screams out, “Diablo!” George tells his girlfriend he loves her and she acts like she didn’t hear him. Kramer has to apologize to the chimp because the chimp threw something at him and he said something back to it. Jerry gets screwed on the tickets and has to go with Puddy in the nosebleed seats. They have to spell out “Devils” on their chests.

The Friar’s Club
Jerry goes to a restaurant with George, Susan and Susan’s friend Hallie. And Jerry is not wearing a suit and they give him one to wear and he ends up walking out with the jacket. And then J. Peterman hires this deaf guy, Bob Grossman, and he can’t hear any of the assignments, so Elaine gets stuck with all of the assignments. That’s about it.

The Hot Tub
Elaine has this marathon runner staying at her apartment, Jean-Paul. She had forgotten to set his alarm at a previous race and he missed it. He’s running the New York Marathon. Jerry’s worried that she’ll screw up again. So throughout the episode, Jerry is trying to make sure he will wake up in time. Takes him to motel room. Offends the wake-up guy at the motel. So they go back to his place. In the meantime, Kramer had some problems with his hot tub. There’s a power outage because of the hot tub. Jean-Paul ends up being late for the race. So he gets down to the race and he’s running the race. They’re giving water out, but Kramer’s drinking hot coffee. Jean-Paul picks up the hot coffee, thinking it’s ice water and burns his throat.

The Jacket
Jerry buys this suede jacket for about $1,000. Nobody wants to have dinner with Elaine’s father, but they end up there. He’s like a freakin’ mafia character who has written a book, a real Mickey Spillane type. Alton Benes. He’s played by legendary tough guy Lawrence Tierney. Elaine shows up late. They’re going to the restaurant and it’s snowing outside. Jerry has a reversible jacket with pink stripes on the inside. He wants to save the suede, so he reverses it. Elaine’s dad is like, “you’re not going with us like that!” So he has to change back to the suede. His jacket ends up getting ruined.

The Marble Rye
Kramer and Newman go somewhere and buy huge cans of Beef-A-Roni and tuna fish just because they want to buy in bulk. Susan’s parents invite George’s parents over for dinner and his parents bring over a marble rye. And George’s father says, “Who has sex with the rooster, the chicken or the hen?” Susan’s father replies, “They all have sex with the rooster.” And then George’s mother asks, “What kind of wine is this?” And Susan’s mother says, “Oh, it’s a Merlot.” And George’s mother asks, “Is that something new?” George’s parents end up taking the marble rye home. And then George has to sneak the marble rye back into the house. So George takes Susan’s parents on a horse-drawn carriage ride. And Kramer was taking over as the horse guy for a friend who left town. He had been feeding the horse Beef-A-Roni and the horse starts farting and shitting. So they can’t stand the smell and they ask to be taken back to their house. In the meantime, Jerry had stolen the marble rye from the old bag. George ends up taking the marble rye up via a fishing pole.

The Mom-and-Pop Store

Kramer tries to help this older couple with their shoe store and he brings all of Jerry’s shoes down. And then he’s checking out the place and realizes it’s a fire hazard. George supposedly buys a car that belongs to actor Jon Voight and then finds out that it was really “John” Voight

The Pie

Jerry’s girlfriend doesn’t want to share a taste of her pie (no pun intended). The show is partly redeemed by Poppy, who doesn’t wash his hands after visiting the men’s room before he is about the prepare a special meal for Jerry. A mannequin looks exactly like Elaine and Kramer actually starts making out with it.

The Puffy Shirt
Jerry, Elaine, Kramer and his girlfriend are having dinner. Kramer’s girlfriend is a “soft talker.” She designs her own clothing. Throughout the whole dinner, no one can understand what she is saying. So Kramer goes to the bathroom and the girlfriend starts talking, they can’t hear her, so they say “oh yes” and nod their heads. Kramer comes back to the table and it turns out she wanted Jerry to wear a puffy shirt on the Today Show. It looks like a pirate shirt. George is at a restaurant with his parents and a woman notices his hands and suggests that he would make a great hand model. He starts hand modeling. They say that this one legendary guy who was a professional hand model couldn’t refrain from jerking off. So George is real protective of his hands. He even wears oven mittens. George burns his hands on the iron used on the puffy shirt. At the end, homeless guys are found wearing the puffy shirt. “Can you spare some change for an old buccaneer?”

The Shoes
Seinfeld and George go in to talk about the pilot for NBC. The president of NBC is really sick. In walks his daughter with her huge chest. George is staring at her chest. In walks the father and they get thrown out of the office.

Shopping Mall Parking Lot
I hate the one in the mall parking lot when they were looking for Kramer’s car. And Elaine’s goldfish was dying. And Jerry took a piss. And got caught. And George took a piss. And he got caught too. And Kramer couldn’t find the air conditioner. And George missed out on the anniversary dinner with his parents. And the goldfish died. I hate that one.

The Showerhead
Kramer has a low flow on his showerhead and it ruins everybody’s hair. The Costanzas and Seinfelds keep threatening who will move to a condo in Florida called “Del Boca Vista.” Elaine is supposed to join Peterman in Africa and they think she’s been taking drugs because she’s been eating these poppyseed muffins.

The Slicer
George sees a picture of himself in the family photo of his new boss, Mr. Kruger, and remembers that he yelled at him on the beach. He tries to airbrush himself out of the picture and ends up airbrushing Mr. Kruger from the picture. So he puts a smiley face there.

The Trip
The gang goes out to Los Angeles and Kramer gets mistaken for a serial killer. George Wendt costars. Meanwhile, the humor falls flat in just about every way imaginable.

The Ugly Baby
Friends of Jerry and Elaine invite them to the Hamptons to see their baby. George and his girlfriend, Jerry and his girlfriend, Kramer and Elaine go out there. While George goes to get tomatoes for his parents, everyone sees his girlfriend topless, which he hasn’t seen himself. George is mad, so he wants to get even. He keeps trying to walk in on Jerry’s girlfriend. However, he’s been swimming and Jerry’s girlfriend walks in on him and starts laughing. And he yells out, “I’ve just been swimming and it’s cold!” Then Elaine is introduced to the pediatrician who says that she is breathtaking. The only problem is that it’s an ugly baby and he says the baby is breathtaking. She’s confused. Kramer steals the lobsters from the traps. George’s girlfriend leaves because Jerry’s girlfriend tells her about George’s inadequacies. George gets even by serving her lobster in her eggs.

The Wig Master
Remember when Jerry buys this jacket from some snooty guy and Elaine wants to get to know him and they start going out? And he tells Elaine he’ll get her a good deal on a dress, but keeps putting it off. Then George has this guest at his house and he’s the wig master for Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. And Jerry and this wig master are sitting at the restaurant and this other guy comes up and asks the wig master out on a date. And Jerry says to him, “How do you know we’re not together?” And Kramer asks to borrow the technicolor dreamcoat. Also George leaves his car in a parking garage and finds condoms in the car and thinks the hookers down there are pimping in his car. And then they give Kramer a Cadillac and he’s wearing the dreamcoat and they almost arrest him for being a pimp.

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