Top 10 Mitch Hedberg Jokes
#10 - On Flyers
On Flyers Image

“Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’”

#09 - On Mountain Climbing
On Mountain Climbing Image

“I want to climb a mountain—not so I can get to the top—cause I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fuckin’ fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around, ‘Hey, you going to the top?’ . . . ‘Soon.’”

#08 - On Rotisserie Chicken
On Rotisserie Chicken Image

“I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.”

#07 - On Fettucini Alfredo
On Fettucini Alfredo Image

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

#06 - On Sprite
On Sprite Image

“They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there’s more to it than that. ‘Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man?’ . . . ‘Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!’”

#05 - On Pringles
On Pringles Image

“I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said ‘Fuck it. Cut ‘em up!’”

#04 - On FedEx
On FedEx Image

“I like the FedEx guy, ’cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it! And he’s always on time.”

#03 - On Doughnuts
On Doughnuts Image

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? ‘Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s back home in the file . . . under ‘D’, for doughnut.’”

#02 - On Acting
On Acting Image

“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”

#01 - On Drugs
On Drugs Image

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

User Comments - Add a Comment
Kenneth - 2007-11-07 21:36:26
You left off the absolutely best Hedberg joke ever, though. "I saw a wino. He was eating grapes. I said, 'Dude, you have to wait!'"
mike - 2007-11-07 22:27:54
i would also have added the one about when he was at a club and the bouncer told him to move because he was blocking the fire exit. his response was "if you are flammable and have legs you, are never blocking a fire exit."
Casey - 2007-11-08 01:48:25
Not to nit pick, but #1 is worded improperly "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too." . At least that is how it is worded when I have hear it. Long live Mitch!!! (RIP)
isaiah - 2007-11-08 02:42:09
dude this isnt a very good list. mitch was way funnier than this. these are his overused jokes.
Anonymous - 2007-11-08 03:57:14
Bigfoot's blurry, Smokey the Bear's an asshole, club sandwhiches...a top 10 list will always be a personal choice, but there's so many good ones that you might as well not even bother ;)
Jordan - 2007-11-08 04:32:48
What about: "I have a an oscillating fan. I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. 'Do you keep my hair in place?...NO!...Do you keep my papers in order?...NO!...Do you have three settings?...LIAR!" It is on his visit to the Conan O'brien show. Great stand up.
b-train - 2007-11-08 04:38:33
yeah, a lot is lost in this wording for #1. from memory, it's properly "i used to do drugs. i still do, but i used to, too."
Anonymous - 2007-11-08 06:35:52
AHHH C'MON! The best one ever: "I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it, never got a hole in one...but I did hit a guy. And that's WAY more satisfyin'. You're supposed to yell 'Fore.' But I was too busy mumblin', 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'"
WRONG!! - 2007-11-08 17:05:36
"My friend offered me a frozen banana. I said, "No. But I want a regular banana later." so yeeeaah.
dswissmiss - 2007-11-08 23:07:15
How about: "I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy." or "See, I write jokes for a living, man. I sit in my hotel at night and think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and write 'em down. Or, if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of, ain't funny
geoff - 2007-11-09 15:26:14
ive always been a fan of " an escalator cant ever be out of order the sign should say sorry for the inconvenience temporarily stairs" i know thats not how its worded but it gets the point across and you know what im talking about
batman - 2007-11-09 23:50:08
best ones: If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it build a house. Well I was lost, but now I live here--I have severely improved my predicament. Oh you are a king you say? Well you will not believe what I have in store for you. I can set your lady up too... ...Fuck you real estate lady, this bedroom has a oven in it. This one has a lotta people sittin around watching tv, this ones in that guys house
Anonymous - 2007-11-10 18:45:26
"Man, I can't wait to get off this stage, cause there's a roll of lifesavers in my pocket, and pineapple is next." "If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up" "PS: this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were missing"
Kit - 2007-11-12 01:57:00
You totally left of Smacky the Frog and the "I hate wearing turtlenecks. It's like a weak guy strangling you all day. And wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is worse - like a midget strangling you all day."
bjorn - 2007-11-13 22:13:27
I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, I say something, and he doesn't hear me, he says "what?", so I say say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says "What?", but really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm sayin', but now I'm yellin' "That tree is far away!!"
joe - 2007-11-14 01:06:17
nowhere near the best. You're missing all sorts of classics. "This shirt is dry-clean only, which means it's dirty." the whole smokey the bear and smacky the frog.
MAC - 2007-11-14 03:52:20
i like it!!! im just a little upset at the hack job of #1
lol - 2007-11-14 15:09:04
I have a koala infestation. It is the cutest infestation ever. I turn on the light and they all scatter and I'm like, Wait! Let me hold one of you.
Dannybeckman - 2007-11-14 21:47:07
Guys guys guys,,, Mitch was a great man, hilarious, and probably fun to be around.. almmost everything he said was funny, so dont say that the guy who made this page missed the best jokes.. my favorite was the smacky the frog.... im sure hes making jesus laugh in heaven
Loki - 2007-11-15 01:09:18
"...jesus..." "...heaven..." AAAAAAAAAaahahahahhahahaahaha! |D Any tribute to Mitch kicks all sorts of ass. Win.
sonatasim - 2007-11-15 10:28:04
nice jokes...hw u think so many of it
anon - 2007-11-18 12:04:17
He missed off the bouyancy of citrus too - it goes something like this: "Whenever i have a drink, there's always a lime floating on the top. I will always take a lime with me. If i'm on a boat, instead of wearing a life-jacket, i will have a lime. If some guy says "Dude! You need a life jacket!" I'll just get out my lime. Saved by the boyouncy of citrus."
Greg - 2007-11-30 19:33:02
We were walking down the sidewalk the other day and my friend said, hey I hear music. as if there was any other way to take it in. < Don't remember the right wording but upset thats not in it.
MrHanky - 2007-12-01 03:33:37
"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer"
Cox - 2007-12-03 04:19:49
Yeah, one of his better ones was: "I like escalators, cause they can never really break down... they just become stairs" I shed a tear the day I heard of his demise.
mE - 2007-12-04 00:01:36
wait. come back. i want to hold you and feed you a leaf.
Are Tea - 2007-12-04 04:37:28
my friend walked up to me and asked, im need to take a shower and brush my teeth, does anyone need to use the bathroom? Thats like some fucked up quiz where he gives the answer before asking the question............. When i need to shave, I assume there is someone else in the world shaving so i say "I'm going to go shave too" ...............Love it till the day i die. Thanks Mitch.
Bump - 2007-12-04 17:05:24
RIP Mitch!!!
Frank - 2007-12-06 00:09:27
"You know crazy straws? Well these fuckin' straws are SANE... they never lost their mind. They said, 'We're goin' straight TO the mouth.'"
derek - 2007-12-06 08:35:09
"dogs are forever in the push-up position"
Ruth - 2007-12-13 10:54:40
We miss him....
Jill - 2007-12-19 06:04:01
I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said, "Please try again," because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
james gibson - 2007-12-24 17:07:30
im the man of the house, my wife said i could be.
Bill - 2007-12-31 07:31:41
I don't have a girlfriend , but there is someone that will get real mad if she heard me say this. Who do we listen to now? Noone has ever made me laugh as hard as Mitch made me laugh.
Corbin - 2008-01-05 08:08:26
What if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up
Lisa - 2008-01-15 14:32:56
fuckin hilarious!!!
Saefas - 2008-01-24 21:22:54
I can't tell you the name of the place I stayed at last night...but there were two trees involved.
JERRY - 2008-01-25 15:22:58
Mildly humorous stuff; nothing really that funny.
Devro9 - 2008-01-31 03:03:32
One that should be on there is the frozen banana one. or the khola bear infestation. or "ya I play sports...wtf NO I DON't" god theres jus too many
er - 2008-01-31 05:55:02
dude the doughnut guote isnt his originally
raph - 2008-02-22 06:08:03
Great guy!! I love the sprite and the lost in the woods jokes. Real estate lady makes me crack up, too...
Anonymous - 2008-03-15 08:30:59
"I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it."
Anonymous - 2008-03-20 18:13:46
RIP Mitch. :(
J Cote - 2008-05-04 07:35:41
If fish could talk, the ocean would be loud as shit. Nothin' but fish goin' "ahhhhhhh, FUCK!"
Tim - 2008-05-17 05:15:40
how can all of you forget Mitch Hedberg's Original Chair-Lunch-Dinner's?
Brittany - 2008-05-20 16:10:13
my favorite-- "whats your name? BOB. Then get the fuck away!"
Anonymous - 2008-09-05 14:10:29

What about the Bananas and stoplights joke? With a stop light, green means go and yellow means slow down. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means go, green means whoa, slow down, and red means where the heck did you get that banana? *off memory

abbi - 2008-09-22 21:43:16

How about: "I love kit kats. Except for when there are 4 or more people around."

mealsky - 2008-10-26 20:50:33

Yea I agree Dannybeckman, stop hating on the list because all of his jokes are so damn funny. Here's one of my favorites: They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine 5 years from now saying, “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They’re going to have to change that McDonalds song to, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a… bun. “What’s a sesame seed grow into?” I don’t know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It’s a street. It’s a way to… open.. shit. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That’s fuckin’ magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular! You gotta listen to the audio though to really appreciate it.

Ed Ganer - 2009-01-05 19:02:18

" I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know somone who would be mad that I said That"

Ash Frog - 2009-01-13 05:31:59

RIP Mitch Hedberg, one of the greatest comedians of our time.

Sam - 2009-02-02 04:01:55

It's a shame that my favorite one is not on here. Not 100% sure how he said it, but it goes something like: "I have some fake plants in my apartment but I forgot to water them and now they are pretending to be dead". Long live King Mitch.

Lauren - 2009-02-05 10:34:33

I totally love this guy - We will miss him at the Comedy Gala! RIP Mitch

sweetjumpshot24 - 2009-02-08 00:27:38

"I went to a comedy workshop once. They wanted me to write a script... so I did. But then my editor read it and was like 'you have to re-write this.' And I was like F- that, I'll just make a copy, instead."

Anonymous - 2009-02-26 23:24:16

"Rice is great if you are really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something" "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?" The buoyancy of citrus is classic - every time a garnished drink arrives at our table, hubby or I say that line. I saw Mitch live about a year before he died - he was hilarious, and the funniest bit was when he made himself laugh and broke character for a minute.... his real voice is nothing like his comedy voice. Made it really memorable for us.

jane - 2009-03-16 17:31:29

It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes, I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?

Val - 2009-07-24 20:39:01

miss ya mitch. you were one of the best

Brad - 2009-12-13 16:58:39

You can water your hard to reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make there plants hard to reach? I know you need water, but im gonna make you hard to reach, hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die.

Anonymous - 2009-12-22 05:32:57

i'm against picketing, but i dont know how to show it

Dave - 2010-01-06 12:59:45

Is this guy supposed to be funny? His jokes are absolute rubbish and not remotely clever or humourous

aaron - 2010-03-04 21:28:07

How could you ever leave out the part when talks about going to holland he tells the waitor the "Germans should've dropped cookbooks on yall."

Leo - 2010-09-04 23:48:23

"Is this guy supposed to be funny" What an asshole comment, lol. Grow a brain. Mitch owns.

Mitch fan - 2010-12-30 19:14:29

I had one sardine, that's why i didn't have 2 sardines.. the first one fucks it up for the rest.

Anonymous - 2011-02-01 00:47:05

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up

huge mitch fan - 2011-02-18 16:48:37

RIP Mitch, Anyone taking the time to find this page, read through all his jokes, and then make a negative comment needs to go away. he was a great comical mind, as long as you had a mind open for some pure funny shit. sit back and listen, and appreciate. Love everything you did mitch, because even when you fucked up, you made it funny!!

kuba - 2011-04-09 16:57:16
in response to "... this guy isnt funny..." perhaps you need to see the delivery of the jokes, just reading them doesnt have the full effect of seeing it performed.
Terrence - 2011-05-05 17:03:37

The Dufresnes!

Will - 2011-05-20 01:30:30
I lived in an apartment, and I had a neighbor. I knew that whenever he knocked on the wall, he wanted me to turn my music down. I'd mess with his head. I'd say , "Go around!"
Muz - 2012-04-12 08:38:11
"I saw this product advertised on TV for 4 easy payments of $19.95, I'd like to see a product that you could buy for 3 easy payments - and one COMPLICATED payment... we aint gonna tell you which one, but one of these payments is gonna be HAAAAARD!"
W - 2012-08-29 18:41:23

We get it guys. He had other jokes. Thanks.

gerb - 2015-11-24 03:26:35

i was wearing a vest, then my arms fell off. it became a jacket