Top 10 Worst Films of the '80s
#10 - COCKTAIL [1988]
COCKTAIL [1988] Image

 "[Cocktail] pretends to be a drama about New York’s singles scene, but when was the last time you saw some douchebag bartender take five goddamn minutes to mix a drink—and be wildly cheered on for making a show of it? And while we never see Tom Cruise slurp a brain eraser off Elisabeth Shue’s rack, he does perfect the selfish-yuppie role he’s run with ever since." —Maxim Online, The 50 Worst Films of All Time, July 2002

#09 - ZOMBIE ISLAND MASSACRE [1984]
ZOMBIE ISLAND MASSACRE [1984] Image

A total piece of shit, only notable because it starred Rita Jenrette, ex-wife of ABSCAM Congressman John Jenrette, who also portrayed "Aunt Ida" in The Malibu Bikini Shop (1986). The plot concerns the usual dumb American tourists who travel to a Caribbean island and are massacred one by one in creative ways after witnessing a voodoo ritual. Too bad there are no real zombies in the entire flick. That might have helped, huh? 

#08 - ENDLESS LOVE [1981]
ENDLESS LOVE [1981] Image

A totally uninvolving tale about obsessive teen love, this flick was totally panned by the critics. It starred Brooke Shields and Martin Hewitt (who?). Also look for Tom Cruise, Jami Gertz and James Spader before they became famous. After she declared an unwavering commitment to her virginity, Shield’s career was pretty much shot to shit.

#07 - HARDBODIES [1984]
HARDBODIES [1984] Image

A couple of middle-aged farts rent a beach house and then hire a surfer (Grant Cramer) to teach them how to score with teenage chicks. Notable for a few quality lines such as "He’s flipping you off in 50 different languages."

#06 - REVOLUTION [1985]
REVOLUTION [1985] Image

This dreary film starring Al Pacino as a revolutionary soldier has been universally panned, but I believe the cinematography is outstanding and worth a look. It’s probably the best film ever made about the American Revolution (hell, I think it’s the only film made about the American Revolution!). One British critic likened Pacino’s performance to an "impersonation of a distraught short-order cook." See if you can spot singer Annie Lennox of the Eurythmics as a Revolutionary graffiti artist. Pacino’s career took 10 years to recover from this one.

#05 - PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING [1981]
PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING [1981] Image

". . . without a doubt, the finest flying piranha movie ever made." —Director James Cameron

#04 - PRIVATE RESORT [1985]
PRIVATE RESORT [1985] Image

More horny losers, this time at a swanky resort. Stars Johnny Depp and Rob Morrow, as well as Hector Elizondo, who totally embarrasses himself as a befuddled jewel thief. Look for Andrew "Dice" Clay in a bit role as (what else?) a sleazy guido type from New Jersey.

#03 - SCREWBALLS [1983]
SCREWBALLS [1983] Image

The kids at Taft and Adams High School ("T&A") are young, stoned and horny. They all want to nail the homecoming queen, "Purity Busch." This dreck ranks with the worst of the raunchy teen comedy genre.

#02 - HAMBURGER . . . THE MOTION PICTURE [1986]
HAMBURGER . . . THE MOTION PICTURE [1986] Image

"Anyone who watches a movie with this title deserves whatever he gets." —Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide

#01 - HEARTBEEPS [1981]
HEARTBEEPS [1981] Image

Heartbeeps, a futuristic comedy about two housecleaning robots who fall in love starring Andy Kaufman and Bernadette Peters, was released in 1981 to dismal reviews and negative reactions from audiences across the country. Critic Leonard Maltin actually gave the film 1 1/2 stars for the makeup work. Kaufman's halfhearted foray into films was all but over.

User Comments - Add a Comment
Ernie - 2013-09-24 07:27:29

What? No recomendations for "Tarzan the Ape Man" with Bo Derek? Or "Jaws III" (the 3D one)? Or "Sheena"? Or "Jaws: The Revenge" (tagline - "This time it's personal!")? Or Mel Brooks' "Life Stinks"? Those are worse than most of the ones you have on your list!