"You shouldn't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive."
"Think about it, Josh, you're in college. The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day."
"No, I'm not talking about human sacrifice . . . I'm talking about something we used to do every Saturday night as a matter of principle. Here's a hint: legions of hand-stamped meatheads and 'Coed Naked' lacrosse T-shirts power chugging watered-down meister chow, regurgitating on the blue-matted floor . . ."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference."
—"And I always say that to love yourself is the beginning of a life-long romance. And after watching you, I know that you and you will be happy together."
—"Just a minute, sweetheart. I don't recall dismissing you."
—"You rude, discourteous egomaniac!"
—"You're crazy about me, right? And I can understand it. Only this morning, looking in the mirror before shaving, I enjoyed seeing what I saw so much I couldn't tear myself away."
"What the hell's wrong with being stupid once in awhile? Does everything you do always have to be sensible? . . . Didn't you ever get really shitfaced and maybe make a complete fool of yourself and still have an excellent time?"
"Bring us a pitcher of beer every seven minutes until somebody passes out. And then bring one every 10 minutes."
—"Wait, would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or during its decline?"
—"Poindexter, do you wanna fuck, or not?"
"Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly you get married and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think well maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about . . ."
—"What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let is be the worst. 'Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble.' Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedemeyer . . ."
—"Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part."