"If you take my advice, you'll become one of the great balloon-folding acts of all time! Really, 'cause I don't just see you folding balloons in joints. You listen to me, you're gonna fold balloons at universities and colleges."
"I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot."
". . . And I started to feel how can you even think of killing yourself? I mean, isn't it so stupid? I mean, look at all the people up there on the screen. You know, they're real funny, and, and what if the worst is true? What if there's no God and you only go around once and that's it? Well, you know, don't you want to be part of the experience? You know, what the hell, it's not all a drag. And I'm thinking to myself, geez, I should stop ruining my life . . . searching for answers I'm never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And . . . you know . . . after, who knows? I mean, you know, maybe there is something. Nobody really knows. I know, I know 'maybe' is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that's the best we have. And . . . then, I started to sit back and I actually began to enjoy myself."
"I'm what you would call a teleological, existential atheist. I believe that there's an intelligence to the universe, with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey."
"The question is have I learned anything about life? Only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter . . . if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that He's evil. I think that the worst you can say about Him is that basically He's an underachiever. After all, there are worse things in life than death. If you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know what I'm talking about. The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses. Regarding love, what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It's the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, that's about it for me folks. Goodbye."
"Good afternoon. 'Wide World of Sports' is in the Republic of San Marcos where we are going to bring you a live on the spot assassination. They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country and replace him with a military dictatorship." [READ THE REVIEW]
"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."
"And after the awful deed is done, he finds that he's plagued by deep-rooted guilt. Little sparks of his religious background which he'd rejected are suddenly stirred up. He hears his father's voice. He imagines that God is watching his every move. Suddenly, it's not an empty universe at all, but a just and moral one, and he's violated it. Now he's panic-stricken. He's on the verge of a mental collapse, an inch away from confessing the whole thing to the police. And then one morning, he awakens. The sun is shining, his family is around him and mysteriously, the crisis has lifted. He takes his family on a vacation to Europe and as the months pass, he finds he's not punished. In fact, he prospers. The killing get attributed to another person, a drifter who has a number of other murders to his credit, so I mean, what the hell? One more doesn't even matter. Now he's scot-free. His life is completely back to normal. Back to his protected world of wealth and privilege."
"Why is life worth living? It's a very good question. Um . . . Well, there are certain things I guess that make it worthwhile, uh . . . Like what . . . okay . . . um . . . For me, uh . . . ooh . . . I would say . . . what, Groucho Marx, to name one thing . . . uh . . . um . . . and Willie Mays . . . and um . . . the 2nd movement of the Jupiter Symphony . . . and um . . . Louis Armstrong, recording of 'Potato Head Blues' . . . um . . . Swedish movies, naturally . . . Sentimental Education by Flaubert . . . uh . . . Marlon Brando, Frank Sinatra . . . um . . . those incredible Apples and Pears by Cezanne . . . uh . . . the crabs at Sam Wo's . . . uh . . . Tracy's face . . ."
"You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert." [READ THE REVIEW]