"Christmas is awesome. First of all you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time."
"Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk . . ."
"I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is 'I want this,' 'Get me this,' 'I have to have this' . . . and then there's the children. And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. 'Ho, ho, ho,' all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy."
—"Many Christmas' ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."
—"What happened to the doll?"
—"It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!"
"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."
"And if you see a sign that says 'Peep Show,' that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas."
—"I want to see her nipples."
—"But this is a Christmas show."
—"Well, I'm sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples."
"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air . . . an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."
"You see Santa Claus tonight you better run boy, you better run for ya life! . . . You scared, ain't you? You should be! Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year!"
"Santa likes to fuck fat chicks in the ass."