Henry Winkler stars as "Benedict Slade," a stingy landlord during the Great Depression in New England, in this stomach-churning variation on the Dickens classic. Winkler's ridiculous makeup and wild hair make him look like the old fart that Tim Conway played to perfection on "The Carol Burnett Show." Strictly for insomniacs!
Some genius had the bright idea to remake the 1934 Laurel & Hardy classic (also known as March of the Wooden Soldiers) using Pat Morita ("Mr. Miyagi"), Drew Barrymore and Keanu Reeves as "Jack-Be-Nimble." No, I'm not kidding! Simply awful.
Another lowlight in the history of sequels, Home Alone 2 lets Macaulay Culkin loose in New York City where he once again meets up with the two bumbling criminals (Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern), who just happen to be wandering around the Big Apple too! What a fuckin' coincidence! Culkin is saved by a homeless "pigeon lady" in Central Park straight out of Mary Poppins. Notice all of the shameless plugs for the Plaza Hotel. Even "The Donald" has a bit role as himself—another great reason not to watch the damn thing.
Year after year, TNT force-feeds this boring, by-the-numbers version of Scrooge to the populace by showing it practically every night (sometimes twice a night!) from Thanksgiving up until New Year's Day. Patrick ("Jean-Luc Picard") Stewart sleepwalks through the title role, complete with his trademark bald pate. Beam me up, Cratchit! There's no intelligent life in this film. Do yourself a favor and rent the definitive rendering of A Christmas Carol, the 1951 British version, which stars the legendary Alastair Sim, who masterfully portrays the miserly Ebenezer Scrooge.
Santa and his elves foil a Christmas toy profiteer in a film so overblown, ludicrous and bland that it effectively terminated the acting career of Dudley Moore, who portrays an elf named "Patch."
Arnold Schwarzenegger spends the ENTIRE movie searching aimlessly throughout the city for a hot toy, TURBO MAN, that his kid wants for Christmas. Sinbad keeps showing up for some reason, fighting with Arnold to get his own hands on this fuckin' toy. Phil Hartman plays the obnoxious neighbor who actually has the balls to hit on Schwarzenegger's wife. James Belushi is a seedy mall Santa. This may very well be Arnold's worst movie and that's saying a hell of a lot!
Can you imagine spending $18 million on a musical version of A Christmas Carol and discovering that the actor you hired to play Ebenezer Scrooge has decided to impersonate Mr. Magoo? Five minutes into this insipid TV version of A Christmas Carol, I realized that star Kelsey Grammer was indeed imitating none other than Jim Backus in the classic animated film, Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol (1962)! And then I read an article where Grammer actually admitted that Magoo’s performance as Scrooge was his favorite! However, as bad as Grammer was, the worst performance of the night had to be Jason Alexander as the ghost of Jacob Marley. Believe it or not, Alexander plays Marley as a cross between George Costanza and Edward Scissorhands with long, stringy hair and white makeup caked on his face. After informing Scrooge that he will be visited by three spirits, Marley starts doing this inexplicable, ridiculous dance and is soon joined by a variety of assorted ghouls in a wretched musical number ("Link by Link") straight out of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I’m sure Charles Dickens was doing backflips in his grave at this point. Don’t even get me started talking about the Ghost of Christmas Past, who looked like she was auditioning to be a Playboy Playmate, or the Ghost of Christmas Present, who was a dead-ringer for Rick James!
Imagine three of the worst episodes of "Home Improvement" strung together and you’ll get a sense of how incredibly pathetic a film we’re talking about here. Here’s the entire plot in a nutshell: Luther (Tim Allen) and Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis) Krank decide to skip Christmas one year and take a cruise. Their annoying neighbors try to force them into the Christmas spirit. That’s it folks! Christmas with the Kranks makes National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation seem like a masterpiece in comparison. Where’s Cousin Eddie when you need him? The cast includes M. Emmet Walsh (a quality actor totally wasted in a role as the cranky neighbor), Cheech Marin (as a cop!), Jake Busey (as another cop) and Dan Ackroyd’s bald spot. Some horny, Mr. Skin wannabes may be excited by the prospect of viewing Jamie Lee Curtis in a bikini—but I'm here to inform you that she's about 20 years too late to produce any such thrills.
In perhaps the most ludicrous, brain-dead idea for a holiday film ever committed to celluloid, Michael Keaton plays a dead rock musician (named Jack Frost, of course) who returns to life as a snowman after his son summons him from beyond the grave by playing a magic harmonica. His mission? To help this dopey kid defeat the school bully in a snowball fight! Critic Roger Ebert found the snowman to be "the most repulsive single creature in the history of special effects." Rent Frosty the Snowman instead.
"Watch out, he's got a candy cane!" Hulk Hogan portrays a Scrooge-like millionaire who gets knocked in the head and believes he's really Santa Claus. So he starts beating the shit out of a bunch of thugs. Also stars Clint Howard. Painful to watch and simply one of the worst films ever made. Period.