That Bird Shit on your Windshield Probably Isn’t Anthrax: The Definitive Quiz on How to Protect Yourself from Terrorism

"We’re sick and tired of being politically correct
If I see through it now but I didn’t at first
The hypocrites made it worse and worse
Lookin’ down their noses at what people say
These are just words and words are okay
It’s what you do and not what you say
If you’re not part of the future then get out of the way . . .”  

--John Mellencamp, “Peaceful World”

Believe it or not, this is a true story: Soon after 9/11, a woman in Seminole County, Florida, made an emergency call to local authorities after she mistook the bird shit on her car windshield for anthrax. As we read about this type of ignorance and fear cropping up everywhere, we felt it was our public duty to offer the following quiz that focuses on what YOU can do to help prevent terrorism. NOTE: THIS MAY BE THE MOST IMPORTANT QUIZ YOU EVER TAKE IN YOUR LIFE! 

 1. You receive a suspicious envelope in the mail full of a strange powder addressed from the “Greendale Elementary School” in New Jersey. What should you do with it?Dog Shit

  1. Pour the powder on your coffee table and start snorting it immediately.
  2. Sit down and write a long letter thanking the students at Greendale for their thoughtfulness.
  3. Reseal the envelope and place it carefully in the mailbox of your neighbor - you know, the guy who lets his dog shit on your lawn every morning.
  4. Wash your hands thoroughly and notify local law enforcement authorities.

 2. What should make you suspect a piece of mail?

  1. It has Ed McMahon’s ugly mug on it informing you that you may already have won one million dollars.
  2. It’s from the IRS (and you haven’t filed an income tax form in years).
  3. It’s handwritten and has no return address or one that is illegible.
  4. It has a 34-cent postage stamp on it.

 3. Your neighbor invites you to attend the monthly meeting of his local al Qaeda group. What should be your proper response?

  1. “Thanks, but I don’t have a drinking problem.”
  2. “Will food be served?”
  3. “Sounds good. Do you have a turban I can borrow?”
  4. “Thanks for the invitation, but I hear that al Qaeda is a terrorist organization. I will have to report you to the authorities at once!”

 4. What should you do if you see a low-flying crop-dusting plane that DOES NOT seem to be piloted by a redneck farmer?Crop Duster

  1. Ignore it and go about your business.
  2. Stroll out into the street and wave like crazy in hopes that the pilot will acknowledge you.
  3. Flip off the pilot.
  4. Run like hell faster than Cary Grant in North by Northwest.

 5. Which of the following statements about Osama bin Laden is true?

  1. He served as the model for Haji in “Johnny Quest”.
  2. He is reportedly “obsessed” with porn star Jenna Jameson’s breasts.
  3. He is most likely squatting in a cave in the Kashmund Range of Afghanistan.
  4. He is the nephew of the guy who played Klinger on M*A*S*H.

 6. What is the so-called “dirty bomb”?Denny's Logo

  1. The massive dump most diners feel the urge to take immediately after consuming an entire “Grand Slam” breakfast at Denny’s.
  2. A bomb smeared with goat shit used to demoralize Taliban forces along the northern front.
  3. The sequel to The Nude Bomb [1980] starring Don Adams as Maxwell Smart.
  4. A conventional bomb used to spread radioactive material.

 7. Who is the new Director of Homeland Security?

  1. Izzy Slapowitz
  2. Art Spackle
  3. Tom Ridge
  4. Bozo the Clown

 Omar Sharif8. Which of the following IS NOT located within the borders of Afghanistan?

  1. Bala Morghab
  2. Zareh Sharan
  3. Mazar-e Sharif
  4. Omar Sharif

 9. Which of the following IS NOT considered a side effect of the drug Cipro?

  1. Muscle aches
  2. Joint aches
  3. Headaches
  4. Enhanced sexual performance

10. Which of the following countries DOES NOT border Afghanistan?

  1. Tajikistan
  2. Uzbekistan
  3. Pakistan
  4. Puerto Rico

11. Can a nuclear bomb really fit into a suitcase?Mushroom Cloud

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Maybe
  4. I have no fuckin’ idea!

12. A man named Subash Bahadur Gurung recently made it through a United Airlines security checkpoint at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport carrying which of the following items?

  1. 7 knives
  2. Can of mace
  3. Stun gun
  4. All of the above

13. Which of the following items IS NOT specifically prohibited from commercial airline flights?

  1. Firearms
  2. Fireworks
  3. Flammable materials
  4. Your latest copy of Big Jugs magazine

14. What is anthrax?Anthrax Logo

  1. An acute infectious disease caused by the spore-forming bacterium Bacillus anhracis.
  2. I have no idea. Give me a fuckin’ clue, will ya?
  3. A third-rate heavy metal band from the ’80s.
  4. Both A and C

15. Which one of the articles in a recent edition of National Enquirer dealt exclusively with the terrorist attack?

  1. “Stevie Wonder Gave Me Herpes”
  2. “Engelbert Humperdinck: New Eye Surgery Saved Me from Going Blind”
  3. “World’s Smallest Rock Band Hits Big Time”
  4. “Deadly Trail of Terror Leads to Madman Saddam Hussein”

EXTRA CREDIT: Which of the following IS NOT considered a terrorist organization?

  1. Hezbollah
  2. Hamas
  3. Islamic Jihad
  4. Toastmasters Club

ANSWER KEY

1. D  2. C  3. D  4. D  5. C  6. D  7. C  8. D  9. D  10. D  11. A  12. D  13. D  14. D  15. D  Extra Credit: D

SCORE

If you missed any one of the above questions, we suggest you actually crack a book once in awhile and stop getting all of your information about the world from “The O’Reilly Factor” on FOX News at 8 PM.

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