Long Time Gone: A Brief Tribute to Bill Hicks [1961-1994]
'. . . at one gig, as Hicks was launching into a bit about the Zapruder film, a drunken blonde called up to him, 'You suck!' Hicks rolled the words around his mouth, stepped downstage, and pointed to the woman. 'Get out! Get out, you fucking drunk bitch! Take her out! Take her fucking out! Take her somewhere that's good. Go see fuckin' Madonna, you fucking idiot piece of shit!”
--John Lahr, foreword, Love All the People: Letters, Lyrics, Routines by Bill Hicks, 2004
It's hard to believe that it has been more than 10 years since Bill Hicks passed away. Along with Andy Kaufman and Sam Kinison, Hicks was one of my all-time favorite comedians. Never a stranger to controversy, Hicks forged ahead with his material, regardless of the costs to his career. For instance, the entire 7 minutes of his last performance on the David Letterman Show was completely censored! Hicks had already developed a strong cult following and was on the road to superstardom when he died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 32 on February 26, 1994. You can still find most of Hicks' classic material on CDs such as Rant in E-Minor, my personal favorite, which features "punch lines, truth, hatred, jokes that would make Satan blush and a whole lot more." The following are a few classic bits from the Bill Hicks archives:
On Big Brother: "Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators, watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it, watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America--you are free to do as we tell you! You are free to do as we tell you!"
On Celebrities Who Do Commercials: "You do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call for ever, end of story. You're another corporate fucking shill, another whore at the capitalist gang-bang, if you do a commercial everything you say is suspect and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a turd falling into my drink."
On Creationism: "Ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? . . . Their eyes real close together. Eyebrow ridges. Big, furry hands and feet. 'I believe God created me in one day.' Looks like he rushed it.'"
On Easter: "I've been traveling a lot lately. I was over in Australia during Easter. It was interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do; commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the words 'bunny' or 'chocolate' anywhere in the fucking book. Where do you come up with this shit? Why those two things? Why not 'Goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer'? As long as we're making shit up, go hog wild. At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back crawling across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it!"
On Jay Leno: "Selling Doritos on TV? What a fucking whore. And not even when he needed the money either, you know? If you're a young actor, I'll look the other way, but the guy makes $3 million a year, he decides to hock Doritos to make more money. You don't got enough money you fucking whore? You've got to sell snacks to bovine America now? It's Satan fucking him in the ass on national TV man . . . fuck . . ."
On Marijuana: "They lie about marijuana: 'Marijuana makes you unmotivated.' Lie. When you're high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it's not worth the fucking effort. There's a difference."
On the Miracle of Life: "Here's another idea that should be punctured, the idea that childbirth is a miracle. I don't know who started this rumor but it's not a miracle. No more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your butt. It's a chemical reaction and a biological reaction. You want to know a miracle? A miracle is raising a kid that doesn't talk in a fucking movie theater . . . I'll go you one further, and this is the routine that has virtually ended my career in America. If you have children here tonight--and I assume some of you do--I am sorry to tell you this. They are not special. I'll let that sink in. Don't get me wrong, folks. I know you think they're special. You think that. I'm telling you--they're not. Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? Did you know that? And you mean to tell me you think your child is special? Because one out of 200 million sperm connected . . . that load? Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest, with a grey gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel. That is special. And I want you to think about that, you two-egg-carrying beings out there with that holier-than-thou, we-have-the-gift-of-life attitude. I have tossed universes, in my underpants, while napping. That is special."
On TV: "I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust. Really. On my hands and knees, wishing it upon every one of you. That's how much I love TV. Think it's great. I watched The Love Connection. That's gotta be the most depressing show I've ever seen in my life. Adult human beings on national television, groveling for dates. Have some self-respect: stay home and jerk off, man. Guys, buy a Hustler, toss off a load, go about your fucking day, all right? Have some dignity."
For more information about the life and comedy of Bill Hicks, visit www.billhicks.com.
Bonus: Bill Hicks On Marketing