“Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, ‘Here—you throw this away.’”
“I want to climb a mountain—not so I can get to the top—cause I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fuckin’ fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around, ‘Hey, you going to the top?’ . . . ‘Soon.’”
“I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It’s a strange piece of machinery . . . We will take the chicken, kill it, impale it, and then rotate it. And I’ll be damned if I’m not hungry! Because spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water! I like dizzy chicken. With a side of potatoes of some sort.”
“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
“They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there’s more to it than that. ‘Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite, man?’ . . . ‘Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!’”
“I think Pringles’ initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said ‘Fuck it. Cut ‘em up!’”
“I like the FedEx guy, ’cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it! And he’s always on time.”
“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut, I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? ‘Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s back home in the file . . . under ‘D’, for doughnut.’”
“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
What about the Bananas and stoplights joke? With a stop light, green means go and yellow means slow down. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means go, green means whoa, slow down, and red means where the heck did you get that banana? *off memory
How about: "I love kit kats. Except for when there are 4 or more people around."
Yea I agree Dannybeckman, stop hating on the list because all of his jokes are so damn funny. Here's one of my favorites: They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine 5 years from now saying, “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! They’re going to have to change that McDonalds song to, 2 all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a… bun. “What’s a sesame seed grow into?” I don’t know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It’s a street. It’s a way to… open.. shit. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That’s fuckin’ magical. There has to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular! You gotta listen to the audio though to really appreciate it.
" I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know somone who would be mad that I said That"
RIP Mitch Hedberg, one of the greatest comedians of our time.
It's a shame that my favorite one is not on here. Not 100% sure how he said it, but it goes something like: "I have some fake plants in my apartment but I forgot to water them and now they are pretending to be dead". Long live King Mitch.
I totally love this guy - We will miss him at the Comedy Gala! RIP Mitch
"I went to a comedy workshop once. They wanted me to write a script... so I did. But then my editor read it and was like 'you have to re-write this.' And I was like F- that, I'll just make a copy, instead."
"Rice is great if you are really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something" "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?" The buoyancy of citrus is classic - every time a garnished drink arrives at our table, hubby or I say that line. I saw Mitch live about a year before he died - he was hilarious, and the funniest bit was when he made himself laugh and broke character for a minute.... his real voice is nothing like his comedy voice. Made it really memorable for us.
It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes, I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done, who knows?
miss ya mitch. you were one of the best
You can water your hard to reach plants with this product. Who the fuck would make there plants hard to reach? I know you need water, but im gonna make you hard to reach, hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die.
i'm against picketing, but i dont know how to show it
Is this guy supposed to be funny? His jokes are absolute rubbish and not remotely clever or humourous
How could you ever leave out the part when talks about going to holland he tells the waitor the "Germans should've dropped cookbooks on yall."
"Is this guy supposed to be funny" What an asshole comment, lol. Grow a brain. Mitch owns.
I had one sardine, that's why i didn't have 2 sardines.. the first one fucks it up for the rest.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up
RIP Mitch, Anyone taking the time to find this page, read through all his jokes, and then make a negative comment needs to go away. he was a great comical mind, as long as you had a mind open for some pure funny shit. sit back and listen, and appreciate. Love everything you did mitch, because even when you fucked up, you made it funny!!
The Dufresnes!
We get it guys. He had other jokes. Thanks.
i was wearing a vest, then my arms fell off. it became a jacket