Top 10 Worst Music Videos of the '80s, Part 2
#10 - Styx - "Mr. Roboto" - 1983
Styx -

Our hero, Kilroy, a rock star, and Jonathan Chance, rebel leader, battle the evil Dr. Everett Righteous. Basically, a bunch of idiots wearing these ridiculous robot masks dance around and attempt to save the world from some vague mechanized threat. "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Mata ah-oo hima de..." Only a band as pretentious and misguided as Styx could come up with this "rock opera" about a futile attempt to prevent a totally mechanized future. "The problem's plain to see: too much technology | Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize." Such a profound statement, don't you think? Rock 'n' roll doesn't get much more inane than this redundant and ultimately stupid tune off of the Kilroy Was Here concept album. "Mr. Roboto" signaled the imminent demise of this once popular group. Although Styx officially disbanded in 1984, unfortunately the band occasionally reunites on the so-called "nostalgia circuit" to perform for increasingly diminishing crowds. As for the fate of "Mr. Roboto," the rock anthem that made a plea for freedom over totalitarianism? The song was eventually used in a Volkswagen commercial.

#09 - A Flock of Seagulls - "I Ran (So Far Away) - 1982
A Flock of Seagulls -

A dude wearing an ugly red shirt—and sporting one of the strangest (and dumbest) haircuts in the history of rock 'n' roll—spins around a cheap set full of aluminum foil. In a robotic voice, he sings about walking along an avenue, meeting a girl and then running away. A couple of overweight sluts—with painted faces and dressed in garbage bags —witness the action. Nobody remembers the video, but everybody remembers the ridiculous haircut (one critic referred to it as a "waterfall" haircut). If this asshole had walked around my neighborhood with a haircut like that, he would have received a serious ass kicking. In fact, the band was started by a couple of hairdressers, including lead singer Mike Score. During the summer of 1982, MTV must have played this video a couple thousand times. Catchy song! A one-hit wonder all the way. A Flock of Seagulls took a sensational nosedive about as rapidly as they shot up the charts. However, the band toured for years thereafter, pathetically trying to reclaim its past glory. Nobody was listening. Great haircut, though! Side note: In the Adam Sandler movie, The Wedding Singer (1998), a strange guy-with a waterfall haircut and working an airline ticket counter-asks Sandler (whose character's name is Robbie Hart) if he likes A Flock of Seagulls. Bottom line: This is a ridiculous video but a pretty catchy tune and I am sad to admit I play it on Pandora all the time!

#08 - Billy Joel - "Uptown Girl" - 1983
Billy Joel -

Joel plays a greasy auto mechanic and his then-fiancée, Christie Brinkley, shows up in a fancy car and he somehow wins her over. They all dance around the garage like a bunch of total idiots. A curious blend of both obnoxious and conceited antics, this banal video revolves around the "Hey I'm a total fuckin' geek but I'm banging a supermodel" theme. You could tell that the guy who churned out dozens of great hits during the late '70s was totally whipped by this gorgeous (but ultimately bland) chick. Maybe if Brinkley had gone topless or-at the very least-worn some sexy lingerie as she strolled through the gas station. But no such luck. Side note: Magician David Copperfield admitted in a recent interview that this was his favorite all-time video! "Uptown Girl" miraculously climbed to No. 3 on the U.S. charts and sold more than one million copies, proving that Joel was once so popular that he could pawn off any piece-of-crap song to his unsuspecting fans. Joel continued to belt out the hits throughout the 1980s, although he had his share of problems as well, including a lawsuit against his former manager for $900 million, an operation to remove kidney stones and a much-publicized divorce from Brinkley. To make matters worse, he started dabbling with classical music starting in 1997, a sure-fire way to alienate his hardcore fan base.

#07 - Night Ranger - "Sister Christian" - 1984
Night Ranger -

The quintessential power ballad of the early 1980s, "Sister Christian" reached No. 5 on the U.S. charts. I always thought the lyrics suggested some creepy dude combing the high schools trying to score with some frigid Catholic chick. However, some critics have suggested that the ballad is actually a "cautionary tale" that one of the band members wrote to warn his younger sister not to give into any sexual temptation. If that's the case, why does this hottie and two of her friends hop into a car full of horny Night Ranger band members and speed off? What kind of fuckin' message is that? Finally, there are just too many shots of the band itself prancing around like some rejects from Journey's execrable "Separate Ways" video. "Sister Christian" was later used quite effectively during an extremely tense scene in the classic 1997 film Boogie Nights. If you've ever seen that flick, you will definitely never listen to this song the same way ever again! As for Night Ranger, the band has quit, regrouped and toured numerous times over the last 20 years - look for them to be headlining at your local Holiday Inn lounge in the near future.

#06 - Poison - "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" - 1988
Poison -

Poor Bret Michaels! In a heavy metal documentary, he admitted penning "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" after falling into despair when his stripper girlfriend cheated on him. This from a guy who would bang any sleazy groupie with a heartbeat back in the day. The video opens with Michaels in bed with the stripper (the "actress" who plays the role is definitely a hottie!) and then we are forced to endure a bunch of overwrought concert footage interspersed with the band partying on the road. In the end, we catch a glimpse of some true pseudo-existential despair from Michaels. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," which reached No. 1 on the U.S. Charts, was probably the most popular of the heavy metal power ballads that kept cropping up like a bad dream during the late '80s. Get those lighters out!

#05 - Men at Work - "Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Jive" - 1983
Men at Work -

A lighthearted spoof of the Jeckyll and Hyde story featuring the boys down under. Band member Greg Ham plays the dual role, while Colin Hay camps it up as a Sherlock Holmes wannabe. The lyrics to this song must have sounded totally inspired after a couple of pints of ice-cold Foster's. "Dr. Heckyll" served as a fitting epitaph for this flash-in-the-pan Australian band. It may very well be the dumbest song ever written. Robert Louis Stevenson must have been doing backflips in his grave when he channeled this piece-of-shit song from beyond. "Dr. Heckyll" was a modest hit from Men at Work's album Cargo, which was "nice and insubstantial," according to The Rolling Stone Album Guide. Men at Work disappeared from the charts permanently soon thereafter (although today Colin Hay enjoys a vibrant solo career!).

#04 - Survivor - "Eye of the Tiger" - 1982
Survivor -

For '80s cheese, few videos rival Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" (Journey's "Separate Ways" would rank right up there, too!). The image of these five ass clowns marching through the city streets and trying to act all tough and shit is both fuckin' hilarious and extremely pathetic at the same time. "Eye of the Tiger" rocketed up the charts on the strength of it appearing in Rocky III and before you know it, everybody and their mother was trying to act tough by singing those banal lyrics over and over and over. Apollo Creed was perhaps the most annoying example: "Now, when we fought, you had that eye of the tiger, man - the edge! And now you gotta get it back, and the way to get it back is to go back to the beginning. You know what I mean?" If Rocky would only get "THE EYE OF THE TIGER" he could climb back in the ring with Mr. T ("Clubber Lang") and beat the living shit out of him! I don't know what I find more nauseating: The fact that "Eye of the Tiger" won a Grammy Award, that the tune stayed No. 1 on the charts for seven weeks, that Paul Anka recorded a big band version of the song or that Survivor continues to tour even to this day and has recently released a "Best of Survivor" CD. Either way, I DESPISE this song, please I beg of you just make it go away . . .

#03 - Corey Hart - "Sunglasses at Night" - 1983
Corey Hart -

A dude wearing cheap shades sits in a dumpy apartment. He starts mugging incessantly for the camera. All of a sudden some shadowy government officials are chasing him. Is he a spy? Who knows? He ends up in jail. More mugging for the camera. He's still wearing shades. It's nighttime. "Sunglasses at Night" may have seemed innovative back in 1983 (although I seriously doubt it). Today it comes across as nothing more than a third-rate imitation of a bad "Miami Vice" episode. What exactly is going on here? Who cares? Bottom line-wearing sunglasses at night is not very cool. Only someone like Jack Nicholson can get away with it. Corey Hart, a punk from Montreal, recorded "Sunglasses at Night" (off his debut album First Offense) in the summer of 1983 at the tender age of 21. However, Hart is no one-hit wonder. He actually recorded another hit, "Never Surrender" in 1984. Okay, so he's a two-hit wonder. Hart went on to record a few forgettable albums and he even turned down a screen test for the leading role in Back to the Future. Proving he had come a long way in the past 20 years, Hart accepted an opportunity to remix Sunglasses" in the summer of 2002. 

#02 - Haircut 100 - "Love Plus One" - 1982
Haircut 100 -

A bunch of total geeks in Hawaiian shirts dance around like fuckin' idiots in this pointless exercise in bad taste. In the early days of MTV, the producers didn't have enough quality videos to fill up 24 hours of time and so they occasionally aired just about any piece-of-shit video they could find such as this "hit" from the album Pelican West. Who could forget the lead singer's shit-eating grin? Every time this dopey video came on I had a strong urge to throw a beer bottle at the screen. The song itself boasts some of the worst lyrics ever written in the history of rock 'n' roll. Something about someone leaving without saying goodbye and going "down to the lake I fear." Then he makes a phone call and it rings forever. Huh? Formed in England in 1980, Haircut 100 faded out about as quickly as they hit the scene. In addition to "Love Plus One," the group had another annoying video called "Favorite Shirts (Boy Meets Girl)." It sounded exactly like the same song. In 1983, Haircut 100 suffered a severe blow when lead singer Nick Heyward left the band to pursue a solo career (one that went absolutely nowhere). They tried a new lead singer but by 1984 they discovered that no one was listening and they disbanded quickly. Does anyone still listen to Haircut 100's music? God, I really hope not. It's too pathetic to even think about. Where are they now? Who the fuck cares?

#01 - Lionel Richie - "Hello" - 1984
Lionel Richie -

Lionel Richie stalks a blind woman sculptress (a rather mediocre one at that!). This is arguably the most ridiculous music video of all time. It has to be seen to be believed. I saw it and I still don't believe it! The song itself is likable enough, if not your typical, Lionel Richie pabulum . . .

User Comments - Add a Comment
Dan Hughs - 2014-11-13 17:05:44

Ya opinions suck mate

L C Cunningham - 2016-04-09 04:43:17

have to say I totally agree with the Haircut 100. For even better laffs watch the TOTP performance of the song.

Fan - 2017-01-07 14:26:41

um Nick Heyward (Haircut 100) is not only rich famous but will be remembered for a long long time if for nothing else then that he was possibly the best looking pop musician ever to grace MTV or a record album. who will remember you?