Adam Schirling

A great man once said you shouldn't write unless you HAVE to. I feel this way. I have to do it. The temporary and soothing release it offers is just enough to keep me from going over the edge, to the abyss. I am many things. An ex-husband. A father. An alcoholic. A pervert. A combat veteran. A surfer. And a writer. I am 25 years old, and hate mostly everything. If you knew me, you most likey would despise me. But such is the nature of my being...I embrace these faults, and hold no hope for salvation.

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Revelations in Drunken Ridiculousness: or how i learned to stop worrying and love the bottle

Drunken Absurdity

why

who would love this
who would love
crying and
drinking
and yelling
and puking
and hating
i thrash the
apartment
when reality gets to be
too much
too harsh
too real
i dont know why
she would look
at me
such a wretch
such a bore
such a drunk
with lust
and love and
hope
and
promise
she sees
what i dont
she sees
whats under
the hate and fear
and loathing
the disgust
and stumbling
and crying
she knows
something i do not
i trust
sort of
i trust
unwisely
she loves blindly
i follow
the same

---

 

fuel

what fuels the fire
hate
booze
music
love
promise
disapointment
hope
something drives me
something makes me not quit
something makes me pour
bottle after
bottle
tears fill red eyes
hands shake
over
the keys
i wish i knew
i wish i knew
why
why i shake
why i cry
why i toss
and turn
in sleep
why can't i
just rest
something fuels me
keeps me burning
twisting
swearing
loving
dying
something

---

Artificial

pills

so many pills

white and blue

and red

and brown

round and sqaure

they bring me

fake sleep

and fake ease

i take them

and my stomach hurt

and  my chest hurt

but i am scared

to not take them

they take away

the brutal

realties of our

time

so many pills

for breakfast

and dinner

i dont want them

the haze

is distracting

i need the anger

and the hate

and it denies me

all of it

i miss my friends

those feelings

i want them

back

---

 

Gone

One day when I noticed

How sad

And cold

And brutal

The world had become

I took my soul

And locked him

In a dark room

With no window

I said

"you will be

Safe here soul

I wont let

Them get you"

I fed him whiskey

And tobacco

Through a slot in

The door

Read him newspapers

And books of writers

Better than me

It worked

For a bit

Till my soul grew restless

"Do not worry"

I said

"You don't want

To be out

Here.

It's cruel

They will take you

From me

And do bad things

Let me protect you"

And my soul grew quiet

And stayed reluctantly content

In his dark room

But then he stopped

Drinking his whiskey

And smoking his pipe

And curled in a corner

In his dark room

And refused to speak

To me

Sad and feeling

Guilty

I opened the door

And let him loose

On a world

For which he wasn't ready

Now he is gone

I search everywhere

Every dark alley

Every dank bar

Among the whores

And the drunks

Even in churches

The unlikey hiding place

I miss my friend

I wish he would come back

---

 

Burn

i stumble

and lie

and cheat

and hate

look at others success

and wish the utmost misfortune

and ultimate failures

i drink until the hate is stoked

into a fiery oven deep

in my soul i sit and stare

and pass judgement

the cauldron my heart has becomes

burns like a thousands suns

i push away those who would love me

friends and family turn away in disgust

im left here alone to burn bright and fast

before disapearing into the black velvet 

of the darkest night

but this  small

light

it wont go out

this small light

with bright eyes

she stands in the way 

of my fiery descent

move, i say

i burn all i touch

do you want to be consumed too?

she laughs

and with a flick of her wrist

all but extuinguishes the flame

why i say

im meant to burn?

she laughs again

and pulls me in'

to liquid lips

pacifies me

leaves me floating

no rememebrance of why

i burned so hot

i sit, extuingueshed

soaking in the liquid

of her love

confused

disoriented

why but why

i was meant to burn!

she laughs again

and pulls me into

the soft bed

i forget why

i forget hate

she laughs again

dont you know she says

i was sent 

to put you out

i gasp

and succumb

too much beauty

too much love

no fire can stay lit

i stay afloat

to uncertain shores

smiling

---

 

Her Eyes

her eyes

there is something about those eyes

just two portals 

to a soul

that loves a 

wretch like me

those portals

they betray so much

so much innocence

so much naughtiness

her eyes reflect all the filthy things weve done

they light up

when I say dirty words to her

and make dirty promises

i see the hunger in those 

beautiful eyes

i catch them looking at me

at night 

when she cant sleep

and her tan warm body

presses against mine

i open my eyes

and see hers

and no matter how horrid the dreams

I smile 

for those eyes

those perfect eyes

can see through me

through the bravado

and through the facades

and through the boastin

and they see just me

naked and alone

in my honesty

and still those eyes

look favorably

i would do about anything 

for those beautiful bright

eyes

to keep them gleaming

---

 

Balance

All day

i count the fat and calories

and go to the gym

and run

ands lift

and sweat

purge myself of percieved weaknesses

then go home

eat that last healthy dinner

then sit out

and drink

and smoke

and stare at the sky

when i feel her feet rub mine

ridiculous

to drink so much whiskey

and smoke so much tobacco

after a day of health consciousness

but that is the balance

sanity and insanity

free and trapped

the balance must be maintaned

too much health and 

i would find myself'

a strutting douchebag

glittered rhinestone tshirt

stupid nickname

cant have that

too much smoke and booze

i find myself in a dirt nap

before i am ready to fall asleep

can't have that

im needed elsewhere later in life

but in the meantime

i will run my laps

and lift my weights

not for betterment of my ego

but for survival

to offset the inevitable

booze and smoke

long enough to make sure

the impact is made

thats all i need 

long enough

---

 

A Warm Sky

the days have been hot
tempers stoked in the inferno
of daily stresses of our humankind
bills we don't want
for goods we don't need
the drone offices
bleak with cheap paint and
dismal converstaion
with those we despise
pathetic souls
who see no further
than reality tv
and new cars
we glide through this madness
her and i
running seperate but together
with an end goal in mind
for after dinner and dishes
bath for children
the tasks of humanity
there waits a solitude
a warm haven to wind away the always
present posions of a day of nothingness
I sit and smoke
drink and think
stare at a warm new england sky
slowly losing its light
grasping the last entrails of day in a futile race
to the horizion
and here we sit
she has her feet up
head back
eyes closed
then open brightly
we sit here in our solitude
immune to the chaos outside
this worn wooden deck
a ship to better lands
the night air fills with poetry and music
pipe smoke and whiskey breath
we say nothing
only savor'
cherish the solitude our our campanionship
we need this
this night ritual
cleanse a soul
already under attack from the pigs
we need this poetry
to remind us
to remind us
of our humility
to our higher obligation owed to not a government or a state
but to humankind in the presence of art and twilight and wind
we bask in this nightly baptism
and wish we could carry this ectasy in our pockets always
and we will
because no matter what the day holds
our ship awaits

---

My Guilty Pleasure

where to start with her....

an eginma

a puzzle

one

worth solving

one look at her bright eyes

and i go weak

in knees 

and loins

she has that way

that desuctive way 

of promising every desire imaginable

in just a curt a curt glance,

a swish of long brown hair...

those eyes....

they offer the treasures of ancient men

if I only 

had the bravery to conquest them

her hands

pulling

tugging

at shirtsleeves 

and at my soul bottom

i desire her poisons

i crave them throughout my bleak day

for her poisons are an antidote

against the venom of the world

it fills by stricken system

almost to the brink of collapse

nearing the end of the tunnel

its poison fills me

saves me

brings me back

i need her poisons

they keep me alive

together we wrap ourselves in this tapesrty

chaos

anger

jealousy

betrayel

those words bob unforgiven at our surface

doing little to contain what lies beneath

honesty

freedom

simulteanouas orgasms

the brutal truth that occurs

that bleak observation

when one fucked soul

recognizes its match in another

i am crazy 

and drunk

she is crazy

and high

and the taste of her lips is all I can imagine in this delerium

a forbidden taste

made oh so sweeter

I need her poisons

it keeps me breathing

we exist in our little bubble

a bubble of hatred and ignorance

we don't care for the world

a world that would judge us

but we make this bubble a home

a blissful oasis

full of love, and desire, and passion

and the painful straining of two souls

wanting nothing more than to connect

yes, this bubble

I call home

---

Wait

My life has become

A game of waiting

I wait for the hangover to clear

So I can drink again

I wait for the booze

To take me in its grasp

So I can feel nothing

I wait for night to come

So I can sleep

I wait for the morning to come

To sit in my office

And not feel alone

I wait for work to end

To start it all over

The drinking

And shaking

And crying

The fears

And horrid thoughts

And nightmares

They have become a part of me

I sit

And wait

For the end

 

---

An Unexpected Night

She moved slowly across the bed

Like liquid

While I poured the next drink

The lips

The soft red lips

Their lips locked together

They both beckoned me

With eyes burning

With a primal lust

They beckoned me to join

I threw doubts aside

With a fiery swallow

From my cup

And dove into the tangle

Rolling

Spinning

Tasting

The three of us locked together

In a taboo embrace

Wet skin against wet skin

I succumbed to the ectasy

And allowed myself to soar

Across a universe so full

Of every pleasure I desired

It took the urgent grabbing

Of 4 beautiful hands

To bring me back down

I succumbed to the insanity

And surrendered my soul to the flame

 

---

Drunk Note to Sober Self

you are fucked

and dumb

and FAT

and hopeless

and without salvation

and full of struggle

and stupidly content.

The pigs will lie

and they will cheat

and they will steal from you

DONT GIVE IN

to the bastardization of hope

Its a game that they play

Drawing you in

with smiles and consumerism

DONT SUBMIT

Fight the urge

to be normal

RESIST!

You don't wanna be

one of them...

 

---

Chasing the Buzz

I miss

the days

when a small amount of drink

would take me away

blur my vision

make my words stumble

those precious few sips

make my head spin

make the most boring night

a crusade into the unknown

Now, alas, it is but a memory

so much booze

bottles gone

And still i sit here

able to function

I want to be comatose

I hate chasing

the buzz

Drunken sex

has lost its appeal

no more sweaty thrills

in dark rooms

taking my breath away

Now just routine

a daily rutual

open the bottle

pour the lies

drink

repeat

no good

the chase continues

I can never go back

to those days of

youthful zeal

In survival mode now

The booze lubricates

this damning process

Fucking tragedy

this sudden tolerance

But I keep trudging along

How long could this

insanity last?

 

---

Old Friend

This glass

Such a simple object

basic

clean

innocent

who would know

that's its my friend

My liaison

to a better world

My ambassador

to a better place

It beckons me

as thirsty as I am

it wants the burning ideals

it wants to feed me

to soothe me

to help me

so many friends

have abandoned me

but not the

glass

no the simplest of vessels

I rejoice in its loyalty

My boat

to better shores

I will fill you

old friend

and you will then

fill me

---

Madness

The fucked

And depraved

And horrible

Has always

Called to me.

I fought

And rebelled

Against the coma

Of middle-class

Bullshit

I want none of it

I want no picket fence

I want no IRA

I want no bingo night

I hunger

For the chaos

The stench of failure

The sting of

Dead dreams

The thirst

Consumes me

There is no end point

To this fucking madness

Only a premature grave

Or insanity

Or at the least

Permanent seclusion

Fuck it

Fuck it all

Is there anything better?

I dig it

 

---

Redemption

The smell

That salt air

Calming

Soothing

I catch the scent

All day long

I need it

That cool shock

The thrill

Of feet leaving 

Dry land

Stepping into

A different world

Stepping into liquid

The surf wax fills my nose

There is nothing 

Between me and

The continents

But the ancient

Of ancients

This abyss

My board slides through

The glass

I need this

My daily baptism

My constant redemption

It keeps

The demons at bay

I look back to the shore

That other world

I smile

Im safe

For now

 

---

The Look

I know that look

glazed eyes

staring

over the rim of a glass

full of cheap booze

blood shot stare

the hunger

it shows in that 

awful/beautiful

look

i know it

you know it

the bartender knows it

tonight

is the night that 

you succumb

the morning will hold

a new look

shame

anger

regret

sadness

but tonight

there is only that hunger

i down my drink

for

I have my own look now

---

Shadow

I awake

still so late

moonlight streams in the dirty window

mouth tastes

of good whiskey

and cheap cigars

i am naked

and still sweating

the sheets are clinging

suffocating

i roll over

through booze soaked eyes

i see the outline

of her

tanned and naked

smeared makeup

empty bottles fill the room

a cigarette still burns in the ashtray

my eyes trace the lines

of her sleeping

the content sleep of

the good drunk fuck

I will awake her

for I am ready

the night is young

---

The mask

Who will i be tonight

The happy fool?

Loud and vibrant

Or, the morose loser...

Wracked with despair

And regret

Perhaps the horny pervert...

Lecherous and lustfull

The bad friend...

The neglectful husband...

The disowned child...

They are all possible faces tonight

I don my liquid mask in pain

And go out into the dark

---

Old lie

Lips open

Fire pours in 

Making me wince

It scalds my throat

Finally exploding in my stomach

Lightning shoots to my fingers

And toes

Sweat breaks out

The calm then comes

The OLD LIE

False hope

Temporary security

Bathing my soul

I think I

Will have another

---

Despair

Despair is sweet drug

An old friend

It comes calling

Late at night

When you need it most

The air grows thick

Your blood slows, now a sludge

Bogged down

With the oil

Of pure despair

Breathing, now hard

Keep breathing....

It will pass

---

Untitled

The hate and fear and filth it oozes from my pores the stink fills the

room others know, hide their sensitive noses in disgust at the stench

of hatred why do I thirst so for the fire of liquid solitude burning 

in my belly destroying as it soothes why do I desire so for the

attention of every cunt false emotions and temporary pleasures why it

is all stupid but I am caught no rest. no peace. only the thirst. it

consumes me